The “M” Word & Your Sex Life

TW: References to ED, Trauma, Depression, Anxiety, Medical terms

Peri-Menopausal, Menopausal, Post-Menopausal…

I couldn’t tell you for certain which phase I’m in, but then again neither could my doctor! Not that it matters if they could, because once you get here it’s all downhill apparently.

I was really lucky when I was younger as my periods were fairly light, with minimal pain and disruption to my daily life other than the faff of always having to have tampons in my bag, the awkward escapes to the loo with one tucked up your sleeve at school or in the office and feeling like I should avoid sex for a week each month. It was a bonding thing with other women, borrowing sanitary products in the pub toilets, always having a pack of Feminax on you in case a friend needed one. Some of my favourite memories are skipping PE and hiding in the loos because we were “on” and didn’t want to go swimming. I can remember laying on my back in the girls loos with my best friend with our legs against the wall because she was seeing her boyfriend later and apparently this would stop the flow! And who hasn’t had the sinking feeling when you get your period just before you go on holiday. But that was nothing to what some people go through, the cramps, the exhaustion, the never ending bleeding, the headaches, the inability to get out of bed and focus on day to day life due to the pain.

I was blissfully, personally, unaware of these issues – my only problems had been that some contraceptive pills made my mood swings worse, but now that I’ve hit the rough terrain of menopause, the medical ignorance of women’s health is eye opening to say the least.

Did you know that some students who train as doctors will leave university with no education in menopause at all? Approx 40% of UK universities do not teach it as mandatory. Which means when the time comes and you go to your GP, the chances are they will have no idea what the symptoms are, what the current guidelines are and what the treatment options available are.

The first time I spoke to my GP about menopause I was in my mid 40s and he laughed at me, telling me I was decades too early for it. In fact it is normal to hit peri-menopause in your late 40s but it can happen from your mid 30s onwards. It wasn’t until a few years later that I realised I was definitely going through it but that was from doing my own research and reading as many books as possible.

During lockdown I had trouble sleeping, night sweats, brain fog, mood swings, unbelievable levels of exhaustion and difficulty remembering words and what I was doing just a few minutes previously. I spoke to my GP several times and was referred to a mental health specialist who diagnosed me with an ED simply because I was exercising regularly and prioritising protein as part of my weight training. All other symptoms were put down to depression, anxiety and past trauma. No one would take my suggestion of menopause seriously.

The mood swings were so bad that I thought I might be bi-polar. I had days when I was so low that I didn’t know if I could carry on and times when I was so tired that I could barely function. I cried at the drop of a hat, I couldn’t sleep and when I did I sweated until the sheets were soaking wet. My eyes were dry all the time, my hair got thinner and every part of my ached. My heart raced, I had panic attacks and my skin was terrible. I couldn’t remember half of the things I needed to which started to affect my work and I felt stupid and old. But according to the doctors it was all in my head.

Finally I found a lady doctor who had trained in women’s health. She suggested HRT and I thought I was finally on track. With a combination of Oestrogen, Progesterone and Testosterone I was certain that things would get better. Silly me….

I don’t know if any of you have ever had the Mirena coil fitted? I had no idea how painful or traumatic it would be. Then, they don’t really know how much oestrogen or testosterone you should take so you’re pretty much left to your own devices to experiment!

Surely, a blood test to check your levels would be helpful. It probably would, but once you haven’t had a period for 12 months then they aren’t interested in testing you anymore. Even if previous bloods showed a low level of oestrogen even taking HRT. I’m still working on finding out how to stabilise my hormones.

BUT, one symptom that I haven’t experienced is the one that I was dreading the most – the loss of your libido!!

Maybe it’s because of what I write, maybe it’s because I only recently met my husband so we’re not bored of each other yet or maybe I’m just lucky, but it makes me so sad that so many of us get to this time in life, when we don’t have to worry about getting pregnant or having horrible periods and BOOM the urge just disappears, and there’s no real help out there for us unless we go and look for it ourselves.

So I wanted to pass on some tips and if you are feeling miserable about this new situation, maybe they can help turn things around:

1. Include Ashwaganda powder and Maca root into your diet. I take both regularly and it is claimed that they can help.
2. Try and reduce stress – take time out of your day to just sit and breathe or download one of the many apps with guided meditation (I use Calm).
3. Exercise – getting your body moving will help you to stay in tune with it. Even if it is just a walk, getting outside in the fresh air will ground you and help you connect with yourself again.
4. Take time to think about what turns you on. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing, think about what you want to do. Talk to your partner if you have one, or take the time to choose a wide variety or toys and lube if you don’t (or if you do, it’s always fun to add toys to the mix!) Experiment with things you never have before – if menopause is anything, it is the time to be your absolute true self.
5. Read erotic fiction (shameless self promotion here) and immerse yourself in the story, get into the characters heads and feel what they feel. Explore what turns you on.
6. Watch porn. Preferably female focused porn, but mainly whatever turns you on. Frolicme.com is an excellent source of sensual, female focused films, stories and pictures for you to explore and see what takes your fancy. You can watch it alone and explore your body, and find what gets you excited, or if you find it hard to talk about sex, watch it with a partner and show them what you like. Role play the scenes if it helps.
7. Wear sexy/pretty underwear every day. If you feel sexy underneath, you might start to feel a bit more sexy in general.
8. Make time for you and your partner; go for a walk together, do something you both love, have a bath together, give each other a massage, order a takeaway and open a bottle of wine, or if you can, go out for the evening and dress up for each other.

As women, we very rarely give ourselves the time we need to stop, breathe and pay attention to ourselves and our bodies. Make sure you take time for you, every day! The family will manage without you for half an hour I promise.

There is information out there for you to find and there are some great people to follow on Instagram too:

Dr. Louise Newson

Balance Menopause

Meg’s Menopause

Let me know about your experiences in the comments below

Kisses, Lexie xx